I AM TURTLEPIG

HOME GAME: PARTY

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG HI I MISSED EVERYONE LAST WEEK BUT I WAS REALLY BUSY TAKING CARE OF MY PEOPLELADY I'M VERY VERY GOOD AT BEING A HELPER PIG SERIOUSLY I SHOULD GET AN AWARD OR EXTRA CARROTS OR SOMETHING

SINCE THIS WEEK'S TOPIC IS "PARTY" I DECIDED TO BE PIGGY LEE ROTH AND THROW A BIG ROCKSTAR PARTY FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS I INVITED EVERYONE YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT WE WERE REALLY GETTING DOWN AND IT WAS AWESOME

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG WE HEARD THE CALL OF CARROTHULHU THANK YOU I LOVE YOU


SEE LOOK HOW MUCH FUN WE WERE HAVING WE EVEN HAD THE EVENT CATERED BY THE MINT PLANT IN THE KITCHEN AND EVERYTHING

Ok, last one.

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LOOK AT THOSE SELFIES JUST LOOK AT THEM I AM SO GOOD AT SELFIES THEY SHOULD GIVE AWARDS FOR SELFIES TOO

EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT AND IT WAS THE BEST PARTY EVER AND ALL THE PICTURES WERE GETTING POSTED TO INSTAPIG AND FACEPIG AND EVERYONE WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT WAS TOTALLY JEALOUS AND THEY KEPT SAYING THINGS LIKE "LITTLE PIG THROWS THE BEST PARTIES" AND "I WISH I WAS AS COOL AS LITTLE PIG" AND "PIGGY LEE ROTH IS THE BEST ROCKSTAR EVER" AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED JUST GUESS MY PEOPLELADY RUINED EVERYTHING AND OH YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT I'M STILL NOT TALKING TO HER RIGHT NOW

SHE JUST CAME WALKING IN WITH THIS THING ON A LEASH THIS HUGE HORRIBLE BEAST AND SHE SAID "HEY LITTLE PIG GUESS WHAT THIS IS YOUR NEW SISTER" AND IT'S LIKE PEOPLELADY WHY WOULD I WANT A NEW SISTER I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GREAT WITH ME AND YOU AND GROUCHO AND THE PEOPLEGUY WE DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING BUT SHE DIDN'T CARE SHE SAID THAT IT WAS A DOG BUT THIS THING ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE MY BEST FRIEND MORRIS WHO IS A DOG WHO LIVES IN AUSTRALIA MORRIS IS CUTE AND NICE BUT THIS THING JUST SNUFFLES AT US AND DANCES AROUND ALL OVER THE PLACE

Hi! I heard that you were sitting on the couch!


PEOPLELADY CLAIMS THAT SHE'S THE BIGGEST CORGI IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHAT IS A CORGI THIS THING IS LITERALLY SIXTY TIMES MY SIZE AND IT SLOBBERS EVERYWHERE I HATE HER I BET SHE HAS AN ALLIANCE WITH THE MERINO PIGS BUT THE WORST PART IS THAT THIS PROBABLY MEANS THAT THE PEOPLEHUMANS WILL LOVE HER MORE THAN ME AND I JUST DON'T WANT A LITTLE SISTER

I KNOW I CAN TRY TO SEND HER AWAY I HAVE FRIENDS IN CONGRESS SO THIS CAN WORK

PEOPLELADY STILL HOLDS ME AND TALKS TO ME EVERYDAY AND SHE SAID THAT SHE STILL LOVES ME MOST OF ALL AND THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TALK TO CORGZILLA OR WHATEVER ITS NAME IS IF I DIDN'T WANT TO AND I SAID FINE I'M NOT GOING TO BUT THEN SHE SCRATCHED MY CHIN AND I LOVE CHIN SCRATCHES SO I FORGOT ABOUT BEING MAD FOR A WHILE

BUT I REMEMBERED ABOUT BEING ANGRY SOON ENOUGH AND I BET I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD WHO HAS TO PUT UP WITH A STUPID LITTLE SISTER WHO APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE THIS JUST ISN'T FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR I AM SUPPOSED TO BE THE CUTEST THING IN THIS HOUSE I AM SECOND TO NOBODY ON THE CUTENESS SCALE JUST WHO DOES THIS DOG THINK SHE IS

YOU'RE ALL STILL MY FRIENDS SO THAT MEANS THAT YOU HATE CORGZILLA AS MUCH AS I DO RIGHT DOWN WITH CORGZILLA THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
I LIKE HAY

HOME GAME: I'M HUNGRY

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG I'M SORRY THAT THIS ENTRY IS ALMOST LATE I WAS GOING TO DO IT EARLIER BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME JUST GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

WELL WE GUINEA PIGS LOVE EATING HAY WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE HAY ESPECIALLY FRESH TIMOTHY HAY BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST HAY WELL SOMETIMES THE PEOPLEHUMANS SAVE EMPTY KLEENIX BOXES AND PAPER TOWEL TUBES SO THEY CAN PUT THE HAY AND OTHER ASSORTED TREATS IN THEM AND WE LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND CARDBOARD IS GOOD TO CHEW ON

ANYWAY I GOT A KLEENIX BOX FULL OF HAY THE OTHER DAY AND HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LOVE HAY I REALLY LOVE HAY I DON'T LIKE IT BETTER THAN SAY BLUEBERRIES OR APPLES OR PARSLEY BUT IT'S STILL GREAT AND IT'S GOOD FOR MY LITTLE TUMMY SO GROUCHO AND I WERE EATING THE HAY AND CHEWING ON THE CARDBOARD AND I THOUGHT "TODAY IS A NICE DAY I'M REALLY GLAD THAT THIS IS HAPPENING"

DON'T ASK ME HOW IT HAPPENED REALLY JUST DON'T BECAUSE ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS HOW MUCH I WANTED TO EAT ALL OF THE DELICIOUS HAY AND BEFORE I KNEW IT I HAD GOTTEN MY HEAD STUCK IN THE BOX IT WASN'T SO BAD AT FIRST BUT THEN I WANTED OUT BUT I COULDN'T GET FREE AND SO I STARTED TO CRY

DO YOU THINK THE PEOPLELADY HELPED ME WELL SHE DID BUT FIRST SHE JUST LAUGHED AT ME AND THEN CALLED THE PEOPLEGUY OVER TO LAUGH TOO AND IT WASN'T FAIR IT JUST WASN'T FAIR

AFTER SHE GOT ME OUT SHE ASKED IF I REMEMBERED WHEN I WAS A BABY AND IT WAS MY FIRST DAY HOME AND I WAS SO TINY THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN A PAPER TOWEL TUBE AND COULDN'T GET OUT AND I WOKE HER UP BECAUSE I WAS CRYING AND THEN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE OLDER I GOT MY WHOLE BODY STUCK IN A DIFFERENT TYPE OF KLEENIX BOX BECAUSE I REFUSED TO BACK UP OUT OF THE BOX AND THEN ALL OF THOSE OTHER TIMES I GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN BOXES AND IF I REALIZED THAT THAT'S WHY THEY ALWAYS JOKE THAT I'M THE POLICE CHIEF BECAUSE I FIND ALL THE BEST EVIDENCE WHENEVER I GET STUCK IN A BOX AND I JUST KEPT GETTING PROMOTED BY ACCIDENT

I JUST STARED AT HER LIKE PEOPLELADY I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT REALLY I DON'T YOU'RE JUST MAKING THIS UP BECAUSE I'M A MAJESTIC PIG AND MAJESTIC PIGS DON'T GET STUCK IN BOXES EVER WE'RE TOO CLASSY FOR THAT AND THEN TO SHOW HER HOW SERIOUS I WAS I PRETENDED TO BE TURTLEPIG FOR A WHILE

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG I AM TURTLEPIG THANK YOU I LOVE YOU


LOOK I'LL TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING BECAUSE I TRUST YOU I GET MY HEAD STUCK IN THINGS MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO ADMIT WHENEVER THERE'S ALL THAT DELICIOUS HAY I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF I AM A VERY MOTIVATED GUINEA PIG AND MY TUMMY IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR GOOD THINGS TO DIGEST BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE LEARNED A FEW THINGS FROM ALL OF THIS

1. IT'S IMPORTANT TO ASK FOR HELP EVEN IF THE PEOPLEHUMANS WILL LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE IT'S BETTER TO GET LAUGHED AT THAN STUCK IN A BOX FOREVER TRUST ME THE PEOPLEHUMANS WILL EVENTUALLY STOP LAUGHING AND FORGET ALL ABOUT IT AND THEN MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU CAN EVEN LAUGH ABOUT IT TOO
2. HAY IS DELICIOUS
3. DON'T LET A KLEENIX BOX STAND IN THE WAY OF YOUR DREAMS ESPECIALLY IF YOUR DREAMS INVOLVE DELICIOUS HAY IF YOU GET YOUR HEAD STUCK SO WHAT YOU STILL ACCOMPLISHED YOUR GOAL OF EATING DELICIOUS HAY

I AM LITTLE PIG AND I AM A WISE GUINEA PIG WHO GIVES VERY GOOD ADVICE THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
  • Current Mood: hungry hungry
I AM ART

HOME GAME: FAR AWAY

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG SINCE I'M A GUINEA PIG I HAVE TINY LITTLE LEGS I CAN MAKE MY TINY LITTLE LEGS MOVE PRETTY FAST BUT A LOT OF THINGS ARE STILL PRETTY FAR AWAY FROM ME

LIKE THE REFRIGERATOR FOR INSTANCE IT'S ALL THE WAY IN THE KITCHEN AND THAT'S A LONG WALK FOR ME BUT LUCKILY THE PEOPLEHUMANS DON'T THINK IT'S THAT MUCH OF A BIG DEAL AND BRING ME REGULAR OFFERINGS OF TREATS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE ONE OF THEM WILL PICK ME UP AND BRING ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ALL THE PARSLEY LIVES SO I CAN SEE IT BUT SO FAR I REMAIN UNIMPRESSED

WHEN I FIRST CAME TO LIVE WITH THE PEOPLEHUMANS THERE WAS AN OLDER GUINEA PIG NAMED EGON AND HE WAS SO VERY SMART BUT HE WENT AWAY AFTER A WHILE AND THE PEOPLELADY CRIED FOR LIKE A WEEK AND TOLD ME THAT HE DIED BUT I JUST THINK THAT HE WENT ON AN ADVENTURE EVEN FARTHER AWAY THAN THE KITCHEN I LOVED EGON AND HE WAS THE MOST RESPECTABLE OF GUINEA PIGS SO EVEN THOUGH HE'S SO FAR AWAY NOW I KNOW THAT HE'S OKAY

I LIKE TO LISTEN TO COAST TO COAST AM WITH THE PEOPLELADY WHEN SHE'S UP LATE AND ONCE RICHARD C. HOAGLAND HAD A PICTURE OF GUINEA PIGS ON MARS AND YES THAT'S WHERE GUINEA PIGS ORIGINALLY COME FROM HE'S RIGHT BUT I'M SURPRISED THAT THE PEOPLEHUMANS DIDN'T KNOW THIS ALREADY ANYWAY YES MARS IS FAR AWAY BUT LUCKILY WE GUINEA PIGS HAVE A RATHER SOPHISTICATED SPACE PROGRAM WE ALL LIKE TO BUILD ROCKETS IT'S A HOBBY ALL OF US SHARE WELL EXCEPT FOR THE MERINO PIGS BECAUSE THEY'RE JERKS AND THEY SPEND THEIR TIME MAKING VACUUM CLEANERS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE BUT I BET THAT'S WHAT THEY DO BECAUSE MERINO PIGS ARE PURE EVIL

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TIP THE PIGLOO OVER ONTO ITS ROOF AND STARE AT THE PEOPLELADY UNTIL SHE FIXES IT BUT I GUESS THAT'S OFF TOPIC

I USED TO LIVE IN THE CITY AND I USED TO TALK TO ORANGECAT BECAUSE HE CAME UP TO THE WINDOW EVERY MORNING AND HE'D TELL ME ABOUT ALL THE STUFF THAT WAS GOING ON IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD THERE WAS ALSO A NEST OF BABY BIRDS IN THE GUTTER AND I'D LOOK IN ON THEM AND I'D TALK TO THEM AND TELL THEM THAT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY BECAUSE I AM LITTLE PIG AND I AM BESTFRIENDS WITH EVERY BIRD EVERYWHERE BUT THEN THE PEOPLEHUMANS MADE US RIDE IN THE CAR AND I HATE THE CAR AND NOW WE LIVE OUT IN THE COUNTRY WHICH IS FAR AWAY FROM THE CITY AND I'M SAD BECAUSE I MISS ORANGECAT AND I HOPE THAT THE BABY BIRDS ARE DOING WELL I SHOULD GO VISIT THEM IN MY HOT AIR BALLOON I HAVE ONE OF THOSE BECAUSE I'M LITTLE PIG

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE RAINCLOUDS COME FROM BUT I BET THAT'S FAR AWAY TOO I DON'T LIKE STORMS AND I HIDE IN MY WOODEN HUT BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THAT THE PIGLOO WILL BLOW AWAY

MORRIS IS MY BESTFRIEND AND HE LIVES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD IN AUSTRALIA MORRIS IS A GOOD DOG AND HE ALSO HAS SOME PRETTY MAJESTIC BUTTFLUFF BUT IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS MINE PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM THAT I SAID THAT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT HE TRIES REALLY HARD I LOVE MORRIS

SOMETIMES THE DANDELIONS CHANGE AND THEY'RE PUFFY LIKE I AM AND I TOUCH THEM AND THE SEEDS BLOW SO FAR AWAY THAT I CAN'T SEE THEM ANYMORE IS THIS WHAT PEOPLEHUMANS CALL MAGIC

OH NO I'M LATE FOR MY LATE AFTERNOON NAP I AM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT MY NAPS THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
  • Current Mood: pleased pleased
I AM TURTLEPIG

HOME GAME: INTRODUCTION

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG I AM A GUINEA PIG THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME EATING HAY

HI HELLO THIS IS LITTLE PIG I HAVE THE PINKEST LITTLE NOSE THE PINKEST THANK YOU I LOVE YOU


I LIKE HAY VERY MUCH AND ALSO I HAVE THE PINKEST NOSE IT'S ABSOLUTELY THE PINKEST

I AM GOOD AT BEING A GUINEA PIG I POPCORN A LOT WHICH MEANS THAT I JUMP IN THE AIR AND SHAKE MY HEAD AND FEET AND RUMPY-RUMP AROUND A LOT BUT I'M THE POPCORN CHAMPION SOMETIMES I SPIN AROUND THE WHOLE WAY IN THE AIR I CAN GET SOME SERIOUS LIFT BECAUSE I'M PRETTY AERODYNAMIC WHAT WITH MY MAJESTIC BUTTFLUFF AND ALL

OH THAT'S RIGHT I'M A LONG-HAIRED GUINEA PIG I HAVE VERY CURLY HAIR AND WHEN I WAS A BABY I WAS A BALL OF SENTIENT FLUFF BUT THE BEST PART IS MY BUTTFLUFF TRULY BECAUSE ITS AMAZING IF YOU SAW IT IN REAL LIFE YOU WOULD FALL TO YOUR KNEES AND CRY WITH THE JOY OF HAVING SUCH A MAGNIFICENT BUTTFLUFF EXPERIENCE I AM LITTLE PIG AND I DO BUTTFLUFF PROPERLY

I'M ALSO A VERY FAMOUS GUINEA PIG AND YOU MAY KNOW ME BY ONE OF MY OTHER IDENTITIES:


  • PROFESSOR PIGGINGTON - I AM PROFESSOR OF BIRDS AT A UNIVERSITY I AM THE BEST PROFESSOR BECAUSE I AM SMART

  • OLYMPAPIG - I WON THE OLYMPICS THE ENTIRE OLYMPICS I BRING GREAT HONOR TO GUINEA PIGS EVERYWHERE

  • REPUBLIPIG - IT IS MY DREAM TO HAVE A CONSERVATIVE TALK RADIO SHOW AND ONCE I PERSONALLY SHUT DOWN CONGRESS I PUSHED THE BIG RED BUTTON AND EVERYTHING

  • HEISENPIG - I REALLY ENJOY BREAKING BAD IT IS A GOOD SHOW

  • PIGGY LEE ROTH - BE SURE TO LOOK FOR MY NEW SINGLE "RUNNIN' FROM THE SWEEPER" I ALSO LIKE WEARING A LOT OF SPANDEX

  • HELPER PIG - IT IS MY DREAM TO BE A CELEBRITY CHEF AND HAND UTENSILS TO OTHER CELEBRITY CHEFS LIKE WHISKS AND SPOONS AND I AM A GOOD HELPER

  • DJ DROP BEAR - I LIKE TO DROP THE BASS FOR MY KOALA FRIENDS

  • LORD PIGGINGTON III - I PLAY THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THE HISTORICAL DRAMA DOWNTON PIGGY



I AM ALSO KNOWN FOR MY HIGH-PROFILE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GUINEA PIG STARLET NAMED CASHEW WHO IS BEST KNOWN FOR HER GROUNDBREAKING ROLE ON THE SERIES HOUSE OF CARDS WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY AND OUR CHILDREN WILL BE SO ADORABLE THAT THE ENTIRE INTERNET WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE I'M WRITING THIS FROM THE PIG-O-NET WHICH IS BASICALLY THE INTERNET FOR GUINEA PIGS AND AL GORE IS NOT WELCOME HERE SO DON'T WORRY I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO POST

I AM LITTLE PIG AND I LIVE WITH MY BESTFRIEND GROUCHO AND TWO PEOPLEHUMANS IN SOME PLACE CALLED WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA WE ALL USED TO LIVE IN A CITY BUT WE DON'T ANYMORE AND I MISS TALKING TO THE PIGEONS SOMETIMES GROUCHO IS MEAN TO ME AND WON'T LET ME IN THE PIGLOO AND SOMETIMES THE PEOPLEHUMANS ARE EVEN MEANER BECAUSE THEY GIVE ME BATHS AND RUN THE VACUUM AND LIMIT MY CARROT INTAKE AND BRUSH MY BUTTFLUFF BUT THEN AGAIN THE PEOPLEHUMANS BRING ME FRESH DANDELIONS AN AWFUL LOT AND FRESH DANDELIONS ARE GOOD ESPECIALLY THE STEMS I LIKE THE STEMS BECAUSE I AM LITTLE PIG AND SOMETIMES THEY GIVE ME CHIN SCRATCHES TOO

I AM VERY FRIENDLY AND AM BESTFRIENDS WITH EVERYONE SOME OF MY BESTFRIENDS INCLUDE GROUCHO, CASHEW, ALL BIRDS EVERYWHERE, ORANGECAT, THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST GUY, MICK JAGGER, THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES, WILFORD BRIMLEY AND ESPECIALLY MORRIS WHO IS A DOG IN AUSTRALIA WHO TAKES CARE OF MY KOALA FRIENDS AND SOMETIMES SMUGGLES ME BLUEBERRIES THROUGH CUSTOMS

ACTUALLY THE ONLY PEOPLE I AM NOT BESTFRIENDS WITH ARE MERINO GUINEA PIGS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL JERKS EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM AND I HATE THEM THE PEOPLELADY THINKS IT'S FUNNY TO SHOW ME YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF MERINO GUINEA PIGS AND I RUMBLE AND CHITTER AT EACH AND EVERY ONE WHY IS THAT FUNNY PEOPLELADY WHY DO YOU LAUGH AT MY RAGE WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TERRIBLE MERINO PIGS ARE JUST WAIT UNTIL THEY INVADE JUST WAIT ANYWAY I'M COOL WITH ALL OTHER TYPES OF GUINEA PIGS THOUGH

I WRITE IN CAPS LOCK ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN PROPERLY CONVEY HOW HAPPY I AM AND HOW EXITED I AM THAT YOU'RE MY FRIEND HOORAY CAPS LOCK PARTIES EVERY DAY *popcorn*

I ALSO LIKE TO PRETEND THAT I'M A TURTLE AND I ACCOMPLISH THIS BY CAREFULLY BALANCING THE PIGLOO ON MY BACK AND INCHING ALONG THE PEOPLEHUMANS CALL THIS THE "RECREATIONAL PIGLOO" BUT NO I'M A TURTLEPIG PEOPLEHUMANS ARE DUMB SOMETIMES BUT IT'S OKAY THEY TRY

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE I TUCKER MYSELF OUT QUITE A BIT SO I TAKE FREQUENT NAPS AND I ALSO KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF STAYING HYDRATED IN FACT I AM THE C.E.O. OF PIGCO AND WE SELL BOTTLED TURTLE WATER WHICH IS WATER WITH A TINY TURTLE FLOATING AROUND IN IT AND THUS CAPTURES THE DELIGHTFUL ESSENCE OF TURTLE GROUCHO IS THE C.E.O. OF GROUCHCORP AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO ATTEMPT A HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF MY TURTLE WATER SUBSIDIARY BUT I WON'T LET HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT PUTTING OUT A QUALITY PRODUCT LIKE I DO

ANYWAY I HAVE TO GO WRITE MY OTHER ENTRY BUT PROBABLY TAKE A NAP TOO THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
  • Current Mood: happy happy